Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Don't Judge Me Because I Sin Differently Than You

   The 7th and 8th of August are special days for the Littlewood family. Alex and I went to the temple for the first time to take out our endowments then we took Wyatt with us the next day to be sealed together. What an amazing time that was for us!! Going from a rebellious stage in life, to meeting Alex, to our brief time together dating, to getting engaged, to finding out we were pregnant, and to getting married only a month later. Life has been a rollercoaster. And even though I'm not a fan of rollercoasters I'd ride this one anytime!
   I have been reflecting a lot lately and find that I still feel quite weird about it. Two years ago today Alex and I went to the temple for the first time! It really was amazing. But nothing could compare to how I would feel the next day when we were to be sealed together as a family. Pure complete joy! I don't think I've ever felt something as pure as that (other than the two births of my babies).
   But. (Yes there is a but) I struggle. I AM struggling with certain things. And people notice. And then those people think it's okay and its appropriate to say things like "I'm disappointed in you" and "I've noticed you've not been wearing..", etc. What? What gives a person a right to say things like that? You only see posts on Facebook and not what goes on in real life. I like to share what goes on in my life and my families. But that doesn't mean you can chime in and give me your thoughts and opinions.
  I love the church. Dearly! And I love the amazing people I have met through the church and its organizations! But I do not love that some of these people think they can judge me because of what I wear or don't wear, what I drink or how I look. I am still a good person.
   I feel like I'm ranting but I'm just frustrated. I want to be happy and openly celebrate with my friends and family. But I feel weird and judged because I struggle with wearing the garments. Because of that I feel like I don't have a right to be happy about this time in my life. I don't have a right to celebrate something so amazing.
   Anyways, this is more or less just a rant. But I was bothered and needed to get this out!

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Because of You

   So recently I posted on Facebook to a group that I belong to. The post was about my upcoming high school reunion (5 years). I explained how I really wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. My reason being that I had no desire to see a number of people. People who made me feel like an outcast, like I didn't belong, people who made me feel less of the great person that I really am. People who made fun of my name, skin color, the way I walked and the way my teeth had come in when I was little. Just people who constantly belittled me. I thought after I had received some advice that I was over it. But upon further thought, I'm not. So here is -hopefully- the last time I will put too much thought and heart into it.
   After thinking more about it I decided that I would write a letter via my blog to those people. Here goes:

   To the people who thought it necessary to tear me down, when all I really needed was to be lifted up. To the people who made fun of my name, skin color, and nationality. I just wanted to belong and to be accepted. To the person who physically hurt me when we were in elementary. I know we were kids, but we were old enough to know right from wrong. To the people who continuously picked on me and made fun of me (to the point of being suicidal) all the way from elementary to high school, I have this to say to you;

   My name is Napua Ann Littlewood. And because of you I am a strong, capable, loving and independent woman. I learned to see past the outward appearance of everyone. I chose to see the good. I learned to love completely and to give of myself. I learned that even though life isn't fair and it's full of people who treat you like complete crap. It doesn't excuse them from their behavior. 

   For years all I have felt whenever I have thought of you (everyone whose ever bullied me) is bitterness. It's hard to let that go. I'm still struggling, even as I'm writing this. But I know that with the Lord's help and love that I will forgive each and everyone of you. 

   The purpose of this letter is to say that I beat you. All of you. I am strong beautiful woman. I have a firm testimony and love for our Heavenly Father. I have the kindest, most loving husband. A real man who picked up a broken girl and loved and nurtured her until she was whole again. I have two amazingly beautiful, fun, playful boys! 

   Because of you my children will grow up to learn to help bring people up when they are down. They will learn to embrace those who may be different. They will learn to love unconditionally. And because of you, I have a chance to help change a generation. 

   I know some people will think I'm being over dramatic and I should just let this go. But how could let it go when it almost destroyed me? I hope people understand that depression is an illness and it's not something to take lightly.

   When I was dating my husband we were driving and having a serious talk. I finally worked up the courage to tell him that I had been suicidal and had attempted when I was 19 years old. His literally broke my heart, He cried for me. And he cried with me. I found a man who saw just how broken I was and yet, loved me anyway. He didn't see the flaws that all those people did. He just saw me, Napua.

   With help from him and therapy I have been able to get better. I still have my days when I struggle but my life has made a complete 180. And for that I am grateful.

Friday, October 17, 2014


PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who deals with this...Addictions I feel are so dirty. I feel dirty and gross just thinking about my horrible addiction. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I've come to a terrible conclusion. I'm emotionally cheating on my husband. With food. My addiction is food.
   Lately I've not been well. Emotionally. Ever since my pregnancy with Grayson I've become a little unhinged I feel. Dealing with a chemical imbalance, depression and then post partum depression. I had PPD after I had Wyatt but it was nothing compared to what it is now. If I have anymore children that is my worst fear. Dealing with the PPD. It seems to get worse with every pregnancy. (as far as I can tell with my two full pregnancies)
   So how I deal with my depression and stress is with food. It has gotten so bad lately. And everytime after I eat I feel so bad about myself. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I just can't seem to stop myself! And when I deny myself I get super ornery. It's a lose lose situation.
   Does anyone else deal with this? Unhealthy addictions? (are ALL addictions bad? haha) I really need help. I can't live like this. I'm not happy and I'm not healthy. I want to be a good example to my boys. I want to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle. But right now I just can't seem to get there!
I mentioned that I feel like I'm cheating on my husband emotionally...instead of going to him when I'm in one of my moods I go to food. It's like a crutch. How do I fix this? How do I fix myself? I honestly feel broken.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

International Wave of Light

   This morning I woke up in pain. So after I fed Grayson I soaked in the tub. It was there that I remembered...It was there that the guilt hit me. I've been so focused on the boys, Grayson being so young and needing me so often. Watching Wyatt grow up, planning his second birthday, flipping a little powerwheels Jeep for him. Dealing with -a lot of- stress. I forgot. I forgot to take time out of my day to specifically think of and mourn the loss of my little baby. 
   Last October I had a miscarriage. It was a horrific loss. I found out the same day that Alex, Wyatt and I were to go to a friends gender reveal party. Actually it happened right before we were to leave. I cried and cried and cried. I had wanted that baby so bad. The moment I found out I had instantly fallen in love with him or her. 
   This morning after my bath I went and laid in bed. By that time it was time for Alex to wake up and get ready for work. I asked him if he would cuddle with me. And it was there that I broke down crying. I cried because of the guilt that I felt -still feel- I cried because I had lost something so precious to me. 
   This morning Alex texted me from work. He said "I see it that Grayson was sent here to help us forget the pain of the loss. Celebrate the fact that we are sealed to him/her and in the end it will be a short wait compared to the eternal life we will have with them." While I do somewhat agree with him I just can't help it. "Forget the pain of the loss." Well in all the hustle and bustle of everyday life I did forget! And that it what makes me incredibly sick to my stomach. I forgot about my angel baby. 
   I am so grateful though. I know that in the afterlife I will meet my angel baby. I will be with him or her forever. But for now in this small life that we have here on earth I will mourn the loss. I do believe what Alex said though. Grayson was conceived so fast after my miscarriage. The Lord must have felt that it was Grayson's time to come to us. And for that I am grateful. I love my rainbow baby. He's such a blessing to me.
   Tonight at 7 my little family and I will be lighting a candle to help remember our little one. If you know anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or a baby think of them at this time. This month is dedicated to so many things; breast cancer and domestic violence. It is also dedicated to those who have lost their babies all too soon. Whether in the womb or out. 

Thursday, October 2, 2014


   Lately I feel myself slipping away. And what's sad is that I knew I felt it coming. I saw it. Like the sky was a clear blue when all of a sudden dark storm clouds came slowly rolling in until they blocked the blue sky and the bright yellow sun. That about sums up my feelings. 
   I didn't realize my postpartum was here until last Saturday. And what set it off is completely stupid. Alex and I had a date night and my mom came to my home to watch the boys. Well even though she didn't need to she wanted to help clean up a little and do a load of laundry. (I HATE laundry) Well come to find out the next day was that some of my clothes had been put into the dryer when they should have been hung up to air dry. Of course my mom didn't know this. Don't get me wrong I am SO grateful for her and absolutely everything she does/has done for me. But finding out that a few of my clothes had been shrunk just set me off. 
   I really didn't realize how bad I felt about myself and my body until that exact moment. After I had Grayson I felt like I had some sort or awakening. I LOVED my body! I accomplished a huge feat of delivering an almost 9 pound baby naturally. Who wouldn't love their body after doing something like that? I'm not even sure when that feeling started slipping from me. I wish I still felt that way. I felt beautiful and confident! I don't feel that way anymore..
   Last week made me really see that reality of body. I'm overweight. I'm obese. Fat. Chubby. Unattractive. I feel all of these things. And yet I find it so hard to get back into going running. I used to love running! I'd go in the mornings, evenings and when I had too much on my mind. 

  My ward/stake started playing volleyball. If you know anything about me you know that I love volleyball!! I went to the first game and I realized how slow I am. How out of shape I am. How much I suck. For the first time ever I hated the sport. Something that I found in high school that helped me become fit, healthy and confident, I now hated. 
   But I can't blame the sport. I can't blame anyone but myself. I let myself get this way. Why though? 
   I had the opportunity to see my best friend the other day. Alyssa goes to school in Montana. She got a full ride scholarship to play volleyball!! How exciting is that?! She has pure talent when it comes to volleyball. And I am so proud of her! 
   She came to Utah to play West Minister. Watching her play made me think back to high school. And it made me miss her so much. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her. We met in junior high and would play volleyball during lunch in the gym. She was my best friend is high school.  She understood me, she loved me! She's my sister. Through thick and think she's been there for me. I can only hope I have been the same to her.
Back to my original thoughts:
Postpartum depression can begin any time during the first two months after you give birth. Symptoms may include:
  • Irritability or hypersensitivity
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Anxiety and worry
  • Crying or tearfulness
  • Anger
  • Negative feelings such as sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, or guilt
  • Loss of interest in activities you usually enjoy
  • Difficulty sleeping (especially returning to sleep)
  • Fatigue or exhaustion
  • Changes in appetite or eating habits
  • Headaches, stomachaches, muscle or backaches

Everything. I've experienced everything listed above. I'm experiencing them as I type this. And when I get this way my emotions are very intense. Too much for me to handle most times.

So what now? I know I have a problem. I've admitted it and I've come to accept it. So now it's time for me to get help. I think some people would find shame in admitting when they need help. But my family is so so important to me. How can I be there for them and their needs if I can't even help myself? In order to be a good mother and wife I need to be healthy.
Now is the time for me to make a change. Changes really. I want to be healthy! I want to be there for my boys. They're the most important people in my life. I'm devoted to them. I love them. But I also love myself so changes are coming. Now. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Grayson's Birth Story

I first started writing Grayson's birth story the day after he was born. Since then I've started it a few different times. Not completely happy with how it's turned out. Trying to remember as much as I can (funny how fast you forget things) and write down all the details so I can go back to read later on and reminisce.
   So I'm going to start off at my 38 week prenatal appointment. On Monday June 30. Dr. Bierer did my regular ultrasound and was now about to do the cervical check. Come to find out that I was dilated at 3 cm and 80% effaced with baby's head down right where it should be. I asked him if he would just go ahead and strip the membranes, and was happy when he did so. Although, it was very painful at the time I thought it was worth it.
   Dr. Bierer told me that if labor were to start it would happen 24-48 hours after the membranes had been stripped. I was so excited! I seriously thought that labor would come by itself from there and I would just progress. Well, two days later on Wednesday I woke up to tightening in my tummy. I woke Alex up and we decided to go for a walk in the cul de sac that we live in. The contractions were consistent and were about 5 minutes apart. When we finished with our walk I decided to call the hospital to see if I should come in. Talking to a nurse she asked when my last appointment was and how far I was dilated. After answering her questions it was determined that I should come in to be monitored.
   I called my mom to tell her what was going on. She came right away so she could stay with Wyatt while Alex and I were gone. While on the way to the hospital I listened to my hypnobirthing affirmations and rainbow relaxation. About 20 minutes later we were finally there.
   Admitting took forever! At least that's what it seemed like to me. But when they were done receiving all of my information one of the nurses took me and Alex back to one of the admitting rooms. Where I got into one of those lovely hospital gowns (seriously, yuck!) and gave a pee sample. After that the nurse came back in to get my medical history and ask more questions. Finally it was time to be monitored.
   The nurse left me hooked up to the monitors for about a half hour. When she came back she told me that contractions were 5 minutes apart. She then did a cervical check and determined that since my last appointment (two days ago) I had not progressed. From there she had me walk for an hour to to see if any changes would occur.
   By the time the hour was up I was so tired! The contractions had not subsided. There were a few times that I had to stop to hold onto Alex for support. When I saw my nurse on my walk I asked her if I could stop. Luckily for me by that time the hour was just about up. Alex and I went back to our room where I got settled in the bed. When my nurse came back she did another cervical check. Much to my disappointment I had made no progress. I was SO disappointed. I was more than ready to have this baby. I asked her if she could talk to my doctor and see if he would break my water. When she came back I was told that because of hospital policy he was not able to. :(
   I was heartbroken. I know, that probably sounds so silly! I had gotten my hopes up and was let way down. :( It really was a sad day for me. A sad week really! Sunday came and absolutely nothing had happened. The contractions had eventually subsided and then altogether stopped. Sunday afternoon I was soaking in the tub when I just had a break down. Alex heard me crying so he came in to see what was wrong. I was so upset that I couldn't talk! But I was able to make out the disappointment that I felt. Alex just held me while I sobbed in the tub.. it wasn't the best time for me. I felt defeated.
   Fast forward three days. It's Wednesday July 9, I had my 39 week prenatal appointment. When I saw my doctor I think he immediately got the point. I was upset. I told him that I was truly disappointed and that I was ready! I told him I wanted him to break my water. I honestly thought he would say yes but I didn't think he could do it right then and there! But he did! Oh my gosh! I wasn't even prepared! I didn't bring my hospital bag, pillows, or anything I thought I would need! I asked him if it would be safe for me to go home real quick to grab everything but he said that since this wasn't my first baby he wasn't sure how fast I would progress. He said it would be safer for me to just go straight to the hospital. So I did!
   Alex dropped me off while he went back home to grab everything we needed. I checked myself in. When Alex arrived back to the hospital I was already in my gown, had my iv put in and was hooked up to the monitors.
   I told my nurse that I wanted to have a natural delivery. I wanted to be able to walk around, sit on the birth ball and labor in the tub. She was very accommodating to all of my wants and needs. It was amazing! They still needed to monitor me and the baby but it would only be for 20 minutes every hour. I could definitely do that. So after my first round of being monitored I got into my labor undies (really just a nursing bra and a pair of my own underwear) and walked around my room for a bit before I decided that I wanted to have the birth ball.
   When I had had my appointment a few hours earlier my doctor said that I was dilated to a 4 and 85% effaced. When my nurse checked me I was dilated to a 5 and 90% effaced! Wow! I asked Alex what he thought and we decided to call Kelley, our birth photographer. When she arrived I was still happily bouncing on my birth ball. My demeanor was a shock to her. I was literally laughing out loud while having contractions. She thought Alex had given me drugs! Haha :)
   In my hypnobirthing class that I took we were taught that laughing and kissing were good things to do because they made endorphins! Alex and I  kissed but I can definitely say that the laughing, being happy and just having a good positive attitude overall really did help. I hardly felt the contractions when I was laughing.
   Before my next round of being monitored my nurse did a cervical check. While bouncing on the ball was good and helped me feel relaxed it wasn't really helping me to progress. So we decided to go for a walk. I put the gown and my slippers on and headed out to the hall. I walked for about a half hour. The contractions were coming consistently but were not totally uncomfortable. It wasn't until the end when I had to grab and hold onto Alex for support to help get me through that contraction. My nurse saw this and said this was the first time she was seeing me be so serious! I told her that the contractions were pretty much non stop and that I needed to rest. So we headed back to the room where I laid in bed to be monitored and she checked me. I was dilated at a 6 now.
   After being monitored I decided that I needed to get into the tub. The water felt so amazing! It was very comforting. And it did actually help with the contractions. I was still my same happy self, but feeling a little more serious at this point.
   While I was in the tub I was surprised when I looked up and saw my mom and Wyatt there! Well turns out my mom had accidently left my house keys at the house and was locked out. She was freaking out! She kept apologizing like it was some big deal. Well, for me it wasn't. I was actually really happy to see her and Wyatt. I hadn't expected to come straight to the hospital so I didn't get to say a real goodbye to Wyatt. And although I wasn't able to hold him (being in the tub) I got to hug, touch and kiss him. I felt so much better now that I was able to see my babe and tell him that I loved him!
   After my mom and Wyatt left that's when things really started progressing. In the tub the contractions were one on top of the other and were lasting longer and longer. I needed some sort of relief. So Alex while sitting on the side of the tub (he had been pouring large cups of water over my belly) he pushed on the soft parts of my knees to give counter pressure. Oh. My. Gosh. It works.
   I started feeling pressure. Like I had to poop. (awesome right?! haha) And I had to pee anyways so I told the nurse and she let me pee. But when I started feeling like I needed to have a bowel movement she MADE me get off the toilet. (no one wants to have a baby in the toilet, am I right?!) I remember telling her that I was more than positive that it wasn't a baby, it was poop. I said "Wanna bet?" Haha She didn't take me up on that and I'm kind of glad.
   From the tub I went back to the bed. My nurse Morgan wanted to do a cervical check. If you've ever been pregnant and experienced that. You know how it is. Well I declined it but she insisted. In the end I was basically forced into the rest of the cervical checks. :(
   I was now dilated to a 7 and very uncomfortable. I remember my eyes being closed. I was trying to stay in tune with everything that I had learned from my hypnobirthing. I was doing my breathing, I had been listening to my affirmations and rainbow relaxation. I even made a hypnobirthing folder with affirmations, scripts, visualizations and other things.
   Alex was by my side the entire time. Didn't leave me once! He was either holding my hand or putting counter pressure on my knees. I am so grateful for him. I don't know if I could have done it without him! He was my rock, my advocate and my yellow. (yellow is an inside joke, unless you're Alex you won't understand it ;) )
   I didn't want to get up but I didn't want to lay down anymore. Luckily the bed is awesome and basically turned into a huge chair! Morgan, my nurse, put the back of the bed all the way up and the bottom of the bed down. (does that make sense?) Just imagine the bed like a big chair.
   At one point I started feeling super nauseous. Kelley had been next to me the entire time. She grabbed a container and was by me in an instant! I am so glad that that feeling passed rather quickly. Probably because of a strong contraction coming along.. All of a sudden I'm frantically pointing at my knees, Kelley drops the cup and runs in front of me and is putting the pressure on my knees. (Good Lord I am SO  grateful for Kelley. She is the most amazing person!)
   By this point I'm in the transition. That was the most intense part out of everything. Although I'm declining the cervical checks they're still happening. I'm at an 8. My body is shaking uncontrollably. I have no control over what is happening. I still have my eyes closed, I'm still doing my breathing. I'm trying desperately to keep my body relaxed. Especially my lower body. I'm hearing Morgan having someone call my doctor so he can come. There are so many people in the room. Getting all of the equipment ready. I'm trying to tune them all out. I remember Alex being on my right side holding my hand. Every time a contraction would come (honestly though, when weren't they coming?) I would just grasp his hand as tight as I could. I had started to be vocal at that point. Kelley had told me earlier that low tones really help to relax the diaphragm. They do!
   With the next cervical check I'm dilated at a 9. At that point I'm feeling tired and in pain. I asked for the epidural. By the time I would have gotten it Grayson would have already been here. I looked at Alex. I just needed some relief! He looked right back at me and said "20 more minutes" I'm not sure why or where but from that point I felt a renewed energy.
   Dr. Bierer came in. I felt somewhat relieved to see him. That meant the time was near. He told me he wanted to check me. I told him no but the back of my bed was being moved so I was laying down. I think I screamed when he checked me. It was the worst feeling. Ever. The only good thing to come from this check was being told that I could push.
   Alex was on my left side holding my hand. Morgan was telling me it was time to push. She would count to 10 and in those 10 seconds I would push. Or try to. A few times I told her that I couldn't but she told me that I could.
   A renewed energy filled me. I tuned out everything and everyone. I pushed. Hard and long. I asked Dr. Bierer if he could see the head, he could! I pushed again. Ever heard of the ring of fire? I hadn't until a few hours earlier when Kelley had mentioned it. I had no idea what it was. (she wasn't talking about the song from Johnny Cash?) Kelley had a natural delivery and she said that the ring of fire is when you're crowning and your vagina feels like it's on fire. Silly thing to think in a time like that. But yep, all I could think was "My vagina is on fire!!"
   I was pushing SO hard!! I was wanting and waiting for that relief to finally come. To feel my baby slip out. I remember hearing everyone talking. Saying they could see the baby and I think how 'sturdy' he looked? Alex was talking to me, telling me to keep pushing. So I did. And after what seemed like a loud scream to me, out came Grayson. Dr. Bierer put him on my stomach. At first I did nothing. I didn't touch him or even try to. I was in shock. I don't think I really knew what to do. But eventually I  came to and I grabbed my baby and held him to my stomach. It was weird. I could still feel everything down there. It was uncomfortable.
   I held onto Grayson, not really looking at him. Just in shock of what happened and what was still going on. One of the nurses asked me if I wanted to keep holding him or have him cleaned, I chose to have him cleaned. I was still having contractions, my doctor said that I needed to deliver the placenta. So with another big push out came the placenta. Oh sweet relief! I asked Dr. Bierer if I had torn. Praise the Lord I did not! I'm sure I would have known if I had, but I needed to ask and find out.
   This next part is kind of fuzzy for me to remember..The only clear thing to me was that I was in shock. I remember my breathing since I was almost to the point of hyperventilation. My body was going back into the state it had been in when I was in transition. Uncontrollable shaking.
   Things are still fuzzy at this point.. I think the nurse brought Grayson back to me and I immediately started nursing him. We had a good latch from the start! Such a champ I have. :) After nursing him for about 20 minutes my nurse, Morgan, came to check on me. She had to massage my stomach. :( I honestly don't know which is worse. The cervical checks or having my stomach massaged after delivery. I was very vocal at that point. To the point of tears. Now I know how important it is that we find the uterus and get it massaged but I just didn't want any of it. She came back another 15 minutes later to massage again. Then it was every half hour then once every hour.
   The next thing I remember is needing to go to the bathroom. I was scared! Going to the bathroom after pushing out a baby just doesn't seem ideal. But the nurse had come in and helped me out of bed. From there I chose to go by myself. I felt good enough. Well to my surprise I could actually go!! With very minimal pain. :) I know that sounds so lame but it was an accomplishment for me. I was SO happy. (I had a terrible recovery with Wyatt so this was huge for me) Alex was fast asleep on his bed. I needed help. I started calling Alex's name. He didn't hear me. I started calling louder. He still didn't hear me. I yelled a few times and he still didn't hear me. I eventually grabbed the package of pads that was right by me. I threw them across the room hitting him in the face. Absolutely nothing. After that I grabbed a few paper towels to hold underneath me while I walked across the room. I grabbed the package of pads that I had thrown and slapped Alex on the arm. Still nothing. (seriously?!?!?!)  I hit him again and he FINALLY opened his eyes.I told him I needed his help and to get up.
   I walked back to the bathroom and grabbed the ice pack. I dropped it on the ground and tried stepping on it (don't worry of course it was still in it's packaging!) to break up the chemicals and to activate it. Nothing. I couldn't do it. Now Alex still hadn't gotten out of bed. I was almost in tears at this point. I needed his help and he wasn't helping me. I called him once more and he finally came, broke the ice pack for me and then left me to go back to bed.
   Grayson had spent a few hours with us but he did visit the nursery while Alex and I tried to get some rest. My nurse brought him back to me when he was ready to be fed. After that he stayed with us the rest of our stay.
   Around 8 in the morning the on call pediatrician came by our room. He explained the procedure to us (circumcision) and then about a half hour later took my little boy away. I was upset. I was told earlier that we could watch through the glass, but after speaking with the pediatrician he told us that due to other babies and patient confidentiality reasons we would not be able to. :( I just wanted to somehow be there for him!!! I was very upset. I spoke to my nurse about it and she said that it depends on who is doing the procedure as well. Darn it!
   I remember having to go to the bathroom again. Hallelujah! It wasn't a fluke! I was going potty pain free! (you think I'm lame or joking but I am being completely serious) I actually yelled out to Alex "I just pooped! And it didn't hurt!!" Hahaha Well Alex, being the amazing supportive husband that he is, was very happy for me. We definitely laughed together at my outburst. From there I went straight to the tub. Ahhhh it has never felt so good to just sit in the warm water and relax. I was (still am!) surprised by how well my recovery was going. I didn't hurt to sit down in the tub and it didn't hurt to get up and out. Although I needed help getting up I wasn't feeling any pain.
   Grayson was brought back in about an hour later. My poor bubba :( I felt so bad! But I was told that he slept through the entire thing! I wish Wyatt would have had the same experience. :(
   Around noon my mom came back with Wyatt. She was so cute. So emotional! She cried almost immediately! And Wyatt was more interested in the room and what cool things he could get into. My big boy! He said baby (for the first time for me and Alex)! And he gave his brother a kiss. It was the sweetest thing. My mom got to hold Grayson for a few minutes before Kelley came back to get a few family pictures.
   For the rest of the day Alex and I just hung out with Grayson and rested. Getting a few naps in here and there. Close to 8 Alex's mom, Julie came to see Grayson. She was so excited to meet him. She stayed probably about an hour. Then she and Alex both left. She going home and Alex going to Costa Vida to get us a late dinner. After we finished eating we decided to have Grayson go to the nursery so we could get some sleep. It was my first time leaving the room since I had given birth. I was slow but I pushed the little cart that Grayson was fast asleep in.
   The next day (Friday) we were to check out. The nurse who was on shift came in and took Grayson to get some labs done before we were to leave. While Alex and I ate breakfast I filled out the discharge papers. We were held behind by one of the ladies who was late in coming in to gather some paper work and bring us what we needed, so we didn't leave till little after 12. But Alex and I did get a good nap in! I think it was just the hospital and the environment that we were in but both Alex and I were having the strangest dreams! So we were happy to be going home and sleeping in our own bed.
You know, all in all I am VERY happy and pleased with how everything played out. I feel accomplished and a new sense of joy and confidence in myself. I had set out a (in my mind) pretty big goal and I reached it! Giving birth naturally is by no means easy. But it helped me with my mindset about birth, labor, how I feel about myself and body. I knew I could trust my body and my baby. I feel like Alex and I have grown so much after this experience! I counted on him and his support and he did more than I could have ever thought possible.

This birth was perfect.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Hormones and Hurt Feelings

   Hormones. They. Suck. I think every woman can agree with me. And men too. It's not so bad when it's regular PMSing. But pregnancy makes it 1000x worse.
   Today was a normal day for me. With the exception of being in an overly heightened emotional state I got my feelings hurt and was absolutely hysterical. And it's for the dumbest reason ever. Stupid Facebook..
   Monday I had posted a picture of an early surprise I had gotten for Alex. (his birthday is right after Mother's Day) We were in need of a new one and I knew that Alex would love and appreciate it. So I got him a new (to us) lawn mower. The one that we had before was an absolute POS. It would some times be frustrating for Alex to mow the lawn.
   I was SOOOOO incredibly excited to show him what I had got him. I think I was more excited than he was! (I just love giving people presents. It just makes my day!) He really did seem to like it and even mentioned today that if it hadn't been for the rain he would have mowed the lawn.
   But today on Facebook a couple people commented and made it seem like all I do is make him work...  :( I read those comments and I just immediately broke down sobbing! Like my face was all blotchy my breathing was out of control and yeah. I was just a wreck. (You don't want to see me cry. I'm an ugly crier) I called Alex bawling asking him if he really did like his present or if he wanted me to take it back. He reassured me multiple times that he loved it and he wanted to keep it.
   Over the phone he tried to help me calm down but I was so upset. I really thought I did a bad job! The mower wasn't even his real present. I have a different surprise for him and this was just an added last minute gift. Something I found for a good price and that we actually did need a new one.
   Later this evening it was brought up again but this time in person. He told me that it shouldn't matter what other people think of it. It's something that is for him that he loves. While I know that's true I think it was just the chemical imbalance in me that made me break down. The comments weren't rude but I chose to take offense to them. Ugh. Stupid hormones!
   I'm grateful that I have such a sweet caring husband who reassures me when I'm full of doubt. Someone who loves me when I don't/can't seem to love myself. What a guy! I'm so glad that I get to be with him for eternity. I'm very excited for his birthday that is coming up in less than a week. A day to celebrate his life! I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met him. He is my better half.  <3