This morning I woke up in pain. So after I fed Grayson I soaked in the tub. It was there that I remembered...It was there that the guilt hit me. I've been so focused on the boys, Grayson being so young and needing me so often. Watching Wyatt grow up, planning his second birthday, flipping a little powerwheels Jeep for him. Dealing with -a lot of- stress. I forgot. I forgot to take time out of my day to specifically think of and mourn the loss of my little baby.
Last October I had a miscarriage. It was a horrific loss. I found out the same day that Alex, Wyatt and I were to go to a friends gender reveal party. Actually it happened right before we were to leave. I cried and cried and cried. I had wanted that baby so bad. The moment I found out I had instantly fallen in love with him or her.
This morning after my bath I went and laid in bed. By that time it was time for Alex to wake up and get ready for work. I asked him if he would cuddle with me. And it was there that I broke down crying. I cried because of the guilt that I felt -still feel- I cried because I had lost something so precious to me.
This morning Alex texted me from work. He said "I see it that Grayson was sent here to help us forget the pain of the loss. Celebrate the fact that we are sealed to him/her and in the end it will be a short wait compared to the eternal life we will have with them." While I do somewhat agree with him I just can't help it. "Forget the pain of the loss." Well in all the hustle and bustle of everyday life I did forget! And that it what makes me incredibly sick to my stomach. I forgot about my angel baby.
I am so grateful though. I know that in the afterlife I will meet my angel baby. I will be with him or her forever. But for now in this small life that we have here on earth I will mourn the loss. I do believe what Alex said though. Grayson was conceived so fast after my miscarriage. The Lord must have felt that it was Grayson's time to come to us. And for that I am grateful. I love my rainbow baby. He's such a blessing to me.
Tonight at 7 my little family and I will be lighting a candle to help remember our little one. If you know anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or a baby think of them at this time. This month is dedicated to so many things; breast cancer and domestic violence. It is also dedicated to those who have lost their babies all too soon. Whether in the womb or out.
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