Loss

So it's been long decided that I am a terrible blogger. I forgot I even had a blog! (yes, it's been that long) 

I've had a lot on my mind lately. From the title of this post not everything has been good or happy.. There has been heartbreak and sadness.

Only a select few people know this but I've decided to share with my blogging friends. Over a month ago I found out that I was expecting. You can't understand how happy I was! I could barely contain myself,  I told Alex the next day. His response was quite funny. ( I had turned my camera on so I could record me telling him the good news.) 

Me: "I've got something to tell you.."

Alex: "Oh shit, you're pregnant."

Me: "...I am."

Alex: "What? How?!"

Me: "We had sex!!"

Hahaha! It really was funny. He was quite excited about the news. But I guess it wasn't meant to be...three days later I miscarried. It was the most horrible experience. The pain was a sick reminder of what I had lost and what I wasn't. I felt so heartsick. I wanted that baby. I had already loved him or her. How could you NOT love something that was made between two people who loved each other more than life? 

Kind of ironic. I found out the same day that Alex, Wyatt and I were going to a friend's gender reveal party. It was so bittersweet. I was so happy for my friends, but I was so sad for my own loss. 

Alex told me something he heard and had impacted him while listening to conference. Just because I wanted something doesn't mean the Lord has the same plans. He knows what's in store for me and what is best for me. 

And although it helped to hear that it was still hard to hear it. Even though I wasn't pregnant long I lost something so precious to me. But I know in the next life I will meet and come to know that person I very briefly carried in my womb.