This morning I woke up in pain. So after I fed Grayson I soaked in the tub. It was there that I remembered...It was there that the guilt hit me. I've been so focused on the boys, Grayson being so young and needing me so often. Watching Wyatt grow up, planning his second birthday, flipping a little powerwheels Jeep for him. Dealing with -a lot of- stress. I forgot. I forgot to take time out of my day to specifically think of and mourn the loss of my little baby.
Last October I had a miscarriage. It was a horrific loss. I found out the same day that Alex, Wyatt and I were to go to a friends gender reveal party. Actually it happened right before we were to leave. I cried and cried and cried. I had wanted that baby so bad. The moment I found out I had instantly fallen in love with him or her.
This morning after my bath I went and laid in bed. By that time it was time for Alex to wake up and get ready for work. I asked him if he would cuddle with me. And it was there that I broke down crying. I cried because of the guilt that I felt -still feel- I cried because I had lost something so precious to me.
This morning Alex texted me from work. He said "I see it that Grayson was sent here to help us forget the pain of the loss. Celebrate the fact that we are sealed to him/her and in the end it will be a short wait compared to the eternal life we will have with them." While I do somewhat agree with him I just can't help it. "Forget the pain of the loss." Well in all the hustle and bustle of everyday life I did forget! And that it what makes me incredibly sick to my stomach. I forgot about my angel baby.
I am so grateful though. I know that in the afterlife I will meet my angel baby. I will be with him or her forever. But for now in this small life that we have here on earth I will mourn the loss. I do believe what Alex said though. Grayson was conceived so fast after my miscarriage. The Lord must have felt that it was Grayson's time to come to us. And for that I am grateful. I love my rainbow baby. He's such a blessing to me.
Tonight at 7 my little family and I will be lighting a candle to help remember our little one. If you know anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or a baby think of them at this time. This month is dedicated to so many things; breast cancer and domestic violence. It is also dedicated to those who have lost their babies all too soon. Whether in the womb or out.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Thursday, October 2, 2014
PPD
Lately I feel myself slipping away. And what's sad is that I knew I felt it coming. I saw it. Like the sky was a clear blue when all of a sudden dark storm clouds came slowly rolling in until they blocked the blue sky and the bright yellow sun. That about sums up my feelings.
I didn't realize my postpartum was here until last Saturday. And what set it off is completely stupid. Alex and I had a date night and my mom came to my home to watch the boys. Well even though she didn't need to she wanted to help clean up a little and do a load of laundry. (I HATE laundry) Well come to find out the next day was that some of my clothes had been put into the dryer when they should have been hung up to air dry. Of course my mom didn't know this. Don't get me wrong I am SO grateful for her and absolutely everything she does/has done for me. But finding out that a few of my clothes had been shrunk just set me off.
I really didn't realize how bad I felt about myself and my body until that exact moment. After I had Grayson I felt like I had some sort or awakening. I LOVED my body! I accomplished a huge feat of delivering an almost 9 pound baby naturally. Who wouldn't love their body after doing something like that? I'm not even sure when that feeling started slipping from me. I wish I still felt that way. I felt beautiful and confident! I don't feel that way anymore..
Last week made me really see that reality of body. I'm overweight. I'm obese. Fat. Chubby. Unattractive. I feel all of these things. And yet I find it so hard to get back into going running. I used to love running! I'd go in the mornings, evenings and when I had too much on my mind.
My ward/stake started playing volleyball. If you know anything about me you know that I love volleyball!! I went to the first game and I realized how slow I am. How out of shape I am. How much I suck. For the first time ever I hated the sport. Something that I found in high school that helped me become fit, healthy and confident, I now hated.
But I can't blame the sport. I can't blame anyone but myself. I let myself get this way. Why though?
I had the opportunity to see my best friend the other day. Alyssa goes to school in Montana. She got a full ride scholarship to play volleyball!! How exciting is that?! She has pure talent when it comes to volleyball. And I am so proud of her!
She came to Utah to play West Minister. Watching her play made me think back to high school. And it made me miss her so much. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her. We met in junior high and would play volleyball during lunch in the gym. She was my best friend is high school. She understood me, she loved me! She's my sister. Through thick and think she's been there for me. I can only hope I have been the same to her.
Back to my original thoughts:
I didn't realize my postpartum was here until last Saturday. And what set it off is completely stupid. Alex and I had a date night and my mom came to my home to watch the boys. Well even though she didn't need to she wanted to help clean up a little and do a load of laundry. (I HATE laundry) Well come to find out the next day was that some of my clothes had been put into the dryer when they should have been hung up to air dry. Of course my mom didn't know this. Don't get me wrong I am SO grateful for her and absolutely everything she does/has done for me. But finding out that a few of my clothes had been shrunk just set me off.
I really didn't realize how bad I felt about myself and my body until that exact moment. After I had Grayson I felt like I had some sort or awakening. I LOVED my body! I accomplished a huge feat of delivering an almost 9 pound baby naturally. Who wouldn't love their body after doing something like that? I'm not even sure when that feeling started slipping from me. I wish I still felt that way. I felt beautiful and confident! I don't feel that way anymore..
Last week made me really see that reality of body. I'm overweight. I'm obese. Fat. Chubby. Unattractive. I feel all of these things. And yet I find it so hard to get back into going running. I used to love running! I'd go in the mornings, evenings and when I had too much on my mind.
My ward/stake started playing volleyball. If you know anything about me you know that I love volleyball!! I went to the first game and I realized how slow I am. How out of shape I am. How much I suck. For the first time ever I hated the sport. Something that I found in high school that helped me become fit, healthy and confident, I now hated.
But I can't blame the sport. I can't blame anyone but myself. I let myself get this way. Why though?
I had the opportunity to see my best friend the other day. Alyssa goes to school in Montana. She got a full ride scholarship to play volleyball!! How exciting is that?! She has pure talent when it comes to volleyball. And I am so proud of her!
She came to Utah to play West Minister. Watching her play made me think back to high school. And it made me miss her so much. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I saw her. We met in junior high and would play volleyball during lunch in the gym. She was my best friend is high school. She understood me, she loved me! She's my sister. Through thick and think she's been there for me. I can only hope I have been the same to her.
Back to my original thoughts:
Postpartum depression can begin any time during the first two months after you give birth. Symptoms may include:
- Irritability or hypersensitivity
- Difficulty concentrating
- Anxiety and worry
- Crying or tearfulness
- Anger
- Negative feelings such as sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, or guilt
- Loss of interest in activities you usually enjoy
- Difficulty sleeping (especially returning to sleep)
- Fatigue or exhaustion
- Changes in appetite or eating habits
- Headaches, stomachaches, muscle or backaches
Everything. I've experienced everything listed above. I'm experiencing them as I type this. And when I get this way my emotions are very intense. Too much for me to handle most times.
So what now? I know I have a problem. I've admitted it and I've come to accept it. So now it's time for me to get help. I think some people would find shame in admitting when they need help. But my family is so so important to me. How can I be there for them and their needs if I can't even help myself? In order to be a good mother and wife I need to be healthy.
Now is the time for me to make a change. Changes really. I want to be healthy! I want to be there for my boys. They're the most important people in my life. I'm devoted to them. I love them. But I also love myself so changes are coming. Now.
So what now? I know I have a problem. I've admitted it and I've come to accept it. So now it's time for me to get help. I think some people would find shame in admitting when they need help. But my family is so so important to me. How can I be there for them and their needs if I can't even help myself? In order to be a good mother and wife I need to be healthy.
Now is the time for me to make a change. Changes really. I want to be healthy! I want to be there for my boys. They're the most important people in my life. I'm devoted to them. I love them. But I also love myself so changes are coming. Now.
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