Being a Misfit

So before I go into what is on my mind I wanted to give an update on what's going on in the Littlewood's lives. Last week after church Alex and I were invited to go to the gun show with a group of friends. I had never been before so I was especially excited. After church we all went home to change and get ready then headed out. Before we left Layton I of course got hungry so we stopped for food. I sat in the back with Wyatt so I could feed him. Holy. Hell. That kid is so naughty!!
Instead of an infant carrier he has a toddler size car seat. A lot bigger and less room in the back of the car. Well the little stink thought it was a riot to kick mommy in the boobs. Ha. I was getting so annoyed that eventually I made Alex pull over so I could go back upfront.
Anyways, we spent a good three hours there at the gun show. From there we went to Ikea. Oh. My. Gosh. I love that store. I found so many things I wanted to get! Wyatt was absolutely tired. Poor guy! But he did amazing. Seriously, I have no idea what I did to deserve such a great kid. :) So we spent another couple hours there looking around. It wasn't until we were standing in the check out line that I started having a ton of pressure down there. Once I started feeling that I went and sat down. But soon enough it was time to get back up.
After Ikea we headed back north. Before we went home we went to my best friends new house. How exciting for her and her family! They are in the process of building a home. I am SO excited for them!! They seriously deserve it. I was surprised by how much I actually loved the neighborhood! And their home looks BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to see the finished product!
   When we finally got home I was so worn out. My feet were killing me! I immediately jumped in the bath. It helped relieve some of that pressure I had been experiencing and my feet felt a little better. But when it was time to go to bed that's when I really started feeling sick. Like body aches, that horrible pressure and tightening in my abdomen. Ugh.
I was trying desperately to remember exactly what labor pains felt like and what my doctor said I should look out for. Well I kept getting the pressure and the tightening in my abdomen was getting more and more intense. It was almost happening constantly. Well I finally woke Alex up and he held me while I almost started balling like a baby. It was almost 2 in the morning when I finally asked Alex to give me a blessing. After I received the comforting words I was able to fall asleep within a half hour.
    The next day I felt a big difference. I still wasn't feeling 100% but it'd take it over the night before. So I called my O.B.'s office and talked to a nurse to get advice and see what she thought what going on. She confirmed that it definitely sounded like contractions. She told me to try Tylenol, drinking lot's of water and staying off my feet. She also said that if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour to just go to labor and delivery.
    So the rest of the day I stayed off my feet as much as I could. Luckily Wyatt is such an easy going baby. I think he somehow understands when I'm not feeling good. And he know's that he needs to help mama as much as possible.
    Things were going okay but I started feeling the pressure down there again. I had to go to the store-and I was by myself- and the tightening in my abdomen was happening again. This time it was consistent with my walking. Crap. I wanted to hurry and get home but seriously? I had to sit. After things had calmed down I finally got back up and headed home. Now of course I didn't think to time my contractions but as soon as I got home and layed down the tightening started subsiding.
    Since then -a week now- I haven't experienced anymore contractions. No more tightening in my abdomen or anything. I still do get pressure down there but since I bought a belly band that has helped immensely.

   Alright!! Now back to the original post. Being a misfit. I read a blog post today (it's been going around on facebook) and realized that yeah I'm a misfit. A black sheep.
    I'm sure all of you know my story by now, getting pregnant out of wedlock, getting married then having a baby. A year later working towards the temple and reaching that goal of taking Wyatt to be sealed to us.
    Although no one said anything to my face I did feel like I was being silently judged. Being in Utah and not doing the norm. Being sexually active before I was married. You know what? Those who silently judge others can stick it. Why? I may have done things out of order but it worked for my husband and I. We don't owe anyone an explanation. Those actions made me grow up. Finally stop acting like a child and be an adult. A kid can't raise a kid. It's just not going to work.
   This past weekend Alex and I celebrated our second anniversary. It's been a tough two years but I wouldn't trade any of it. I love Alex more than life. I love Wyatt and Grayson. We have an amazing little family. I can't wait to see what The Lord has in store for us. I feel I have so much to offer. I want to share my story, my strength, my love and understanding to those who are going through the same or similar experience. I want to help people. I want them to know that they are loved and that just because they didn't do things in a 'proper' order doesn't mean that they have any less worth. They can overcome the struggles and trials.
   Simply, I want to inspire people. I want everyone to realize that we are all loved. It doesn't matter if we are the misfits or black sheep. We are just as equally amazing and loved as the rest of the world. :)

Let's Catch Up

I feel so dumb. I have been trying to blog for two weeks without success. All because I couldn't figure out why the icon to sign in wouldn't show up. Two weeks. I finally asked Alex and less than two minutes later.. wala! 

   Alright so right now I am 21 weeks 2 days. Finally past the halfway point. Finally! This pregnancy has not been great. It has just straight up sucked. I've heard a lot of women say that every pregnancy/labor is different. I don't know about the labor part yet but this second pregnancy has been a world of a difference. And not in a good way. 

   While I haven't struggled with morning sickness I've had night sickness. Which I feel is worse. Because it's a night and obviously I should be sleeping. But the nausea sets in, heartburn and the occasional cramps/tummy pain. I have not had a normal sleep schedule for well over a month now. I am seriously up ALL NIGHT long. No matter what I do I just can't fall asleep. And when I take a sleeping pill to help I end up feeling so guilty that I can't sleep. Good Lord please help me!

   So along with the night sickness there's the no sleep that goes on. Although the house get's cleaned in that time it's not worth it. So do any mamas have any advice or suggestions to help? I'm going through the nesting period WAY too soon. 

   During this pregnancy I've learned that I have a chemical imbalance and have been put on an antidepressant. Ummm what? Chemical imbalance? Me? That would explain why my sanity has been lost at times and the terrible feelings/thoughts that I get. 

   Whether or not you're pregnant depression is a serious thing. It is an illness and one that should be addressed more. If you ever have thoughts of suicide, hurting yourself or loved ones I encourage you to talk to someone. Let someone know immediately what is going on. It might just save a life. Having dealt with depression years ago I knew I couldn't afford to not get help. Having Wyatt and now Grayson I knew I needed to take care of myself.

   Sometimes I just have to put Wyatt in his crib and walk away. And that's okay. My sanity needs to come first in order for me to properly care for my children, my husband and myself. I do have to say I've noticed a difference with the medication. Alex has noticed a difference and I'm sure Wyatt has too. I still have my bad days but the good seem to outweigh them lately. 

   I'm grateful that I am able to get myself out of bed. For two weeks I stayed in bed. Didn't get out, didn't go anywhere, didn't take care of myself. Thank God for Alex. He cared for Wyatt -and myself- while I was 'out'. During that time I noticed a difference in my weight, skin color and overall being. I was clearly not well. 

   I can't say how grateful I am for my family, friends and ward family. The constant love was definitely felt. The other day one of the achievement day leaders (that's my calling in church, be jealous!) brought over some meals. Seriously? I just can't get over the love and generosity I felt. I am SO grateful for that act of kindness she showed me. It probably wasn't a big deal to her but to me it meant so much!

   

Blah. I'm running literally on two hours of sleep right now. I barely woke up in time to get my butt to church this morning! Like twenty minutes before it started. Ugh. I tried going to bed three hours ago but I just couldn't. Have you ever been so tired that you can't fall asleep? That's me. I went to bed at 8 Alex came in at 9 and yeah. Still awake. I layed there for an hour. Hadn't touched my phone or laptop. I just can't get my brain to shut off. :( HELP!! I NEED my sleep!

   This week is freaking March Madness. Literally. Instead of events being throughout the month the majority is happening this week. Every. Freaking. Day. 

   BUT! I am SOOO excited for Wednesday and this weekend. It is mine and Alex's two year anniversary!! WHOO! It has been a crazy/hellish/awesome two years. I can't believe I get to spend eternity with Alex. He's my very best friend. He's given my two of the greatest gifts ever. Wyatt and now Grayson. <3  Added point; the awesome thing about having kids early is that by the time we're done we're still young! 

I seriously said to a friend of mine that by the time I'm 25 I may have knocked out all the kids! When Wyatt is 20 I'll be 40. I can definitely live with that. And while going to school maybe (will be) harder for me it is definitely still possible. I can still go for my dreams while being a wife and mother. :) 

Alright, I've got a long week ahead of me. I've gotta TRY to get some sleep. Until next time friends! 

Late Night Thoughts

So tonight I've been going through some of Wyatt's baby pictures. I sure do miss my little squish! Looking at these pictures makes me think back to when I found out I was pregnant. Such a scary time for both Alex and I.

I don't think many people know this but Alex and I talked about adoption. Getting pregnant so soon was not in our cards. We never thought that would happen to us. Surprised was not even what we were. Shocked. terrified. Speechless.

When I look at pictures of Wyatt I can't help but think 'what if?' What if we went through with the adoption? If I were to see him out on the street would I recognize him? Would I have the natural bond or pull? I honestly have no idea. And I'm glad I don't know. I hate thinking it.

Getting pregnant so fast and so young. There are many who will understand this. There are many who won't and will never. Luckily I have great friends who loved, helped and supported me through out that time. I was lucky to have a man step up and take responsibility. And a wonderful family. Even though they didn't agree with what was happening -and it took some time to get used to the idea- they stuck by me.


So next month is mine and Alex's two year anniversary! Holy cow!! Crazy how fast time goes by. It's been the best two years I could have ever asked for! Getting the man of my dreams, the sweetest babe, strengthening my testimony, making my goal of going to the temple, finding out we're expanding our family! Just so many wonderful things with many more great memories to be had. :)

The Big Reveal

So this past week I had my prenatal appointment. For some reason everytime I go to see my doctor I get nervous. I'm always afraid that they'll find something wrong with my baby. Especially since I had gotten I had gotten sick and still haven't completely gotten over it.
So once Alex and I arrived I checked in at the desk and went to the back to go to the bathroom, get weighed in and have my blood pressure checked. After that I went back out front and waited with Alex until our doctor was ready to see me. He was running behind on all his appointments that day so we seemed to wait -what seemed to me- forever.
When we were called back surprisingly we didn't have to wait for him to come see us. So as normal he asked me the standard questions. How was I feeling, has anything changed since my last appointment, etc etc.
I finally got on the bed and lifted up my shirt. I was so excited! I love hearing my baby's heartbeat and seeing him. It's always reassuring! So first my doctor measured his head. From there we found out I am a few days further than thought! I thought I was 13 weeks and 4 days but turns out I had already come up on 14 weeks! Whoo!!
After looking at the heart and spine my doctor started heading down towards the butt, that's when Alex and I looked away. I told him that if he could tell what the gender was we didn't want to know. He was kind of surprised but did as we asked. After he was done he left to go write the results down. When he came back he handed us a sealed envelope.
Okay fast forward to Sunday. That was the day we were having our gender reveal party! All of our friends and family were coming over to my home to find out what Alex and I were having. My best friend Cassie threw a beautiful party! Seriously. I loved everything about it. (besides the fact my front room couldn't hold everyone comfortably) She really brought mine and Alex's personalities into the decorations and food. I'm so grateful to have a friend who really knows me and puts her all into something that was important to both Alex and I. :) Love you Cassie!!
Okay so while most of the adults were upstairs in the front room chatting, the kids were in the kitchen eating and us cool people were downstairs watching the football game. Go Broncos! ;)
Finally it was time to gather everyone upstairs so we could cut the cake. I was getting so nervous! (for a split second I didn't want to cut the cake! I wasn't ready to find out!) So we first cut into the cake I still couldn't tell. When we cut into it again and pulled the knife out I caught a glimpse of the color! I screamed! I was SO excited! A BOY!!! Haha I'm more than sure I was the happiest one in the room. Everyone else (including Alex) wanted a girl. Me? I wanted a boy :) Of course my main priority is that the baby is healthy!!
Wyatt had no idea what the heck was going on. Haha that boy. He cracks me up!! I love him. I'm going to absolutely miss it just being him and me during the day. I know this sweet little addition will be welcomed warmly...maybe not by Wyatt..haha he doesn't think much of it so far.

Best. Straws. Ever! So cute!

Beautiful cupcakes!

Some of the party people!

My dad is so funny! *note my sarcasm*

Don't mind my asian eyes. I was crying :)

Getting excited! What is it?!?!

He doesn't understand what's going on but he's happy still.

Wyatt was tired. What a cutie. I love him!

We are great at cutting cake.

I caught a glimpse of the color!!

So those are some of the pictures that were taken. If you know me I love pictures but am terrible at taking them! I'm glad I at least have some to remember this special moment. <3

Having Peace and Happiness

Ever since I found out I have been waiting to write this post! I just can't believe it! Ever since my miscarriage I really haven't been myself. Losing something so precious to me really shook me to my core. And although I will always remember those feelings right now I am reeling in the news. I am somewhat at peace. I am happy. Right after my miscarriage I was truly blessed with another miracle. I can't even tell you how surprised I was to find out the news. I didn't understand how I could get pregnant again so fast!
I took a Clear Blue pregnancy test. The new one that gives you weeks estimated. I was SO surprised by what I saw on that little screen. 3+ weeks. And on the paper that comes in the box it said that the doctor would probably put you at at least 5 weeks.
When I called my doctor to make an appointment I had to wait little over a month. Holy crap. My doctor is popular! Alex and I went in today and I was surprised. There were two babies!!...Haha no. Just kidding. Phew! I have no idea how I'd handle being pregnant with two little ones! No, but really I was just surprised at far along I am. 9 weeks and 1 day. I cried practically the entire time in the doctors office. I am so happy!! It was such a huge relief to me to hear the babies heart beat. I can't tell you how scared I was. That miscarriage really put some bad thoughts into my head. And although I am still worried I know that my baby is okay and healthy. And I will do anything to keep it that way.
So my appointment next month, we might be able to see what the sex is!! Exciting!! I will keep this blog updated as much as I can!

I will have to post another picture with Wyatt. Poor little guy was absolutely exhausted and wouldn't sit still for a picture together. 

My little peanut! The picture is sideways but you can see the little legs are starting to form. As well as the arms but they aren't so clear here. Love this little one already!

Loss

So it's been long decided that I am a terrible blogger. I forgot I even had a blog! (yes, it's been that long) 

I've had a lot on my mind lately. From the title of this post not everything has been good or happy.. There has been heartbreak and sadness.

Only a select few people know this but I've decided to share with my blogging friends. Over a month ago I found out that I was expecting. You can't understand how happy I was! I could barely contain myself,  I told Alex the next day. His response was quite funny. ( I had turned my camera on so I could record me telling him the good news.) 

Me: "I've got something to tell you.."

Alex: "Oh shit, you're pregnant."

Me: "...I am."

Alex: "What? How?!"

Me: "We had sex!!"

Hahaha! It really was funny. He was quite excited about the news. But I guess it wasn't meant to be...three days later I miscarried. It was the most horrible experience. The pain was a sick reminder of what I had lost and what I wasn't. I felt so heartsick. I wanted that baby. I had already loved him or her. How could you NOT love something that was made between two people who loved each other more than life? 

Kind of ironic. I found out the same day that Alex, Wyatt and I were going to a friend's gender reveal party. It was so bittersweet. I was so happy for my friends, but I was so sad for my own loss. 

Alex told me something he heard and had impacted him while listening to conference. Just because I wanted something doesn't mean the Lord has the same plans. He knows what's in store for me and what is best for me. 

And although it helped to hear that it was still hard to hear it. Even though I wasn't pregnant long I lost something so precious to me. But I know in the next life I will meet and come to know that person I very briefly carried in my womb. 

This is the life

    Have you ever been in just complete utter happiness? Because that is what I am experiencing as of late. I love my family, my life, myself, everything! Why haven't I felt this way my entire life? Why did I have to complicate things so much?! Either way life is going great. I finally feel joy.
     So I think it was about a month ago now my family and I had a great photo shoot with my dearest friend Melinda. We went to Memory Grove and had a great time! I didn't realize how hard it would be to take pictures with with a 6 month old. He did a great job though!
       So this will be a short entry but I wanted to leave you with the beautiful pictures Melinda captured.