Postpartum Recovery

Lately I've been reading a lot about pregnancy, labor and postpartum. It got me to thinking that I'd write my own post about it! Just remember, no pregnancy is the same and I am by NO means an expert. :) I am writing about my experiences. And my hopes with my next baby.

   My first pregnancy went quite well. Maybe a little too well?.. So well in fact that my recovery was an absolute nightmare. Seriously. I feel like maybe Karma thought I needed a little visit. So many women go through morning sickness and other things and I had just didn't have any of it! The worst was probably the heart burn. Lucky eh?
   Everyone tells you how great and awesome pregnancy is. -And really it's a miracle!- But they don't tell you the ugly parts about it. Let me just say there are some seriously UGLY parts. Sure, you get the 'glow'. But it doesn't last. Especially after you give birth. You get that really cute baby bump, but what happens when you've given birth?
   When I was in labor I was literally asleep. When I'd stop pushing -took me THREE hours- I'd go to sleep and wake up when it was time to push again. When I was crowning that was when I got really scared. I asked the doctor if it would hurt if I were to rip. Nope. But apparently I had already. <---ugly right??
   Finally Wyatt made his arrival. I was in shock. In my head I was like "What the HELL just happened?!?!" (I am being completely serious) I was not crying or cooing my baby. I was silent. I was in shock!
   At the hospital where I delivered at they have you go into a postpartum room after giving birth. Well about an hour after having Wyatt it was time for me to move. But I couldn't! I had gotten an epidural and still couldn't feel anything down below. And yet, here all the nurses wanted me to move my ass so the next person could have my room. Umm hello?! The lower half of my body is numb and you want me to get from the bed to a wheelchair. Without help. Well you're so kind!
   When I was finally all settled in my new room I felt much more at ease. I had my darling baby with me and was able to rest without being bothered. Or so I thought. One of my biggest fears for the next birth of my child -and all future children in fact- is when the nurses come and press seemingly very hard on your stomach. I remember one of the nurses saying that she couldn't feel my uterus so I had another nurse come and 'massage' my stomach. Not. fun.
   Also, unless you want to be scared for life I highly suggest you don't ask for a mirror to see yourself down there. Never again will I do that.
   You know that pearly thrown? Aka the toilet. I don't know about any other moms but that was the scariest part for me. Who knew going to the bathroom could terrify someone SO much? Well the first time you go you are going to be assisted. When I went my nurse came in with me. I wasn't so shy because I just had a room full of people see my who ha. So what was going to the bathroom in front of the nurse?
   Well she filled a peri bottle and handed it to me. Ughhh what was I supposed to do with it? Well if you're at all sadistic then go ahead and wipe away! Seriously that peri bottle was my saving grace. You fill it with warm water and then squeeze the water on your nether regions...pretty huh?
   I felt like a hunch back for about a week. I couldn't for the life of me stand up straight. I had a lovely hunch going on. I had my first shower the next day. I was really grossed out by the bathroom floor and really didn't want to be barefoot let alone naked. Those flimsy curtains were terrible. I like to be warm when I take showers. Having a draft is not okay!
   When I was all showered and cleaned my parents stopped by. My cute mom combed my hair for me because I couldn't get the tangles out. My parents didn't stay long but they took plenty of pictures of Wyatt and loved on him. I especially loved seeing my dad hold him. He doesn't seem like the baby holding type. He actually scared most kids! Hahaha
 
   Okay fast forward to going home.

   Everything seemed to going fine. Except for the fact that I looked like I was still pregnant. (I was horrified by my tummy) I was still a hunch back. And I really was absolutely terrified to go to the bathroom. I remember very vividly crying on the potty (yes I use the word potty) because I needed to go but couldn't. I was in SO much pain. So much more than the contractions I had. With me pushing for three hours and bearing down for that long I had HORRIBLE...must I say it?... Hemorrhoids... My mom was in the kitchen cooking dinner (THANK YOU MOM) while Alex sat in the bathroom with me while I literally sobbed. I cried almost every time I had to go to the bathroom. That lasted a few weeks. :(
  I was exclusively nursing. Wyatt did so well! Some times we struggled. He would get so impatient and so upset that he couldn't latch. Then I would get upset. So we both usually ended up crying. Which didn't help anyone!
Have you ever experienced porn star boobies? -A boob job without the actual boob job.- I was exclusively breast feeding and my nursing pump hadn't been shipped yet. Well my milk came in no problem. But it didn't take long for my boobs to 'perk up'. I was constantly in the shower trying to relieve myself of the pain I was experiencing. I couldn't pump and Wyatt was eating everything that I was producing. Literally my boobs were hard as rocks. Ugh! Thank heavens when my pump finally came. I felt so much relief! And I could finally start pumping and storing my milk away!
   Have I scared you yet? This post really isn't meant to scare anyone. These are MY experiences. You might experience some of the same things but everyone is different. And trust me things do get better. :)
   If I could offer you any advice these are the things I would -and will- say. Before you leave the hospital take everything they offer you. And more! (seriously you paid for it, take it) They'll offer you pads, mesh undies, a waffle (unfortunately not the kind you eat. I used mine for my back and bum) a peri bottle, and a spray for down there. (the spray helps to take away some of the pain) Also Tucks pads. (stupid hemorrhoids)
   When you're home if someone offers you help take it! Whether it be by helping you clean the house a little or bringing you a meal. If someone offers you help take it. If you're nursing and are having a hard time with latch problems, call the lactation specialist. That's what she's there for. If you're having potty problems try to relax. Trust me crying doesn't help. The best thing you can do is to take a stool softener and try to relax when you finally do go. Don't force ANYTHING. That peri bottle? He's your new best friend. Use him. Also, order or go buy a breast pump before baby gets here. It was save your poor boobies a lot of pain!
 
   Alright, I think I've told enough about my body. But if I could leave you with just one more thing. It's taken me a while to learn this but self love is so important. You may not love or even like your body after having a baby. But you know what? It's worth it. I promise. Your body housed your baby. Your baby will never look at your body like it's flawed or ugly. Your baby sees you as perfect. I have many stretchmarks on my belly and sides. I have a few spider veins on my legs. My tummy is bigger and my skin is stretched. But I love my body. It carried my Wyatt and it's carrying my little Grayson. My body is my child's home.

Being a Misfit

So before I go into what is on my mind I wanted to give an update on what's going on in the Littlewood's lives. Last week after church Alex and I were invited to go to the gun show with a group of friends. I had never been before so I was especially excited. After church we all went home to change and get ready then headed out. Before we left Layton I of course got hungry so we stopped for food. I sat in the back with Wyatt so I could feed him. Holy. Hell. That kid is so naughty!!
Instead of an infant carrier he has a toddler size car seat. A lot bigger and less room in the back of the car. Well the little stink thought it was a riot to kick mommy in the boobs. Ha. I was getting so annoyed that eventually I made Alex pull over so I could go back upfront.
Anyways, we spent a good three hours there at the gun show. From there we went to Ikea. Oh. My. Gosh. I love that store. I found so many things I wanted to get! Wyatt was absolutely tired. Poor guy! But he did amazing. Seriously, I have no idea what I did to deserve such a great kid. :) So we spent another couple hours there looking around. It wasn't until we were standing in the check out line that I started having a ton of pressure down there. Once I started feeling that I went and sat down. But soon enough it was time to get back up.
After Ikea we headed back north. Before we went home we went to my best friends new house. How exciting for her and her family! They are in the process of building a home. I am SO excited for them!! They seriously deserve it. I was surprised by how much I actually loved the neighborhood! And their home looks BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to see the finished product!
   When we finally got home I was so worn out. My feet were killing me! I immediately jumped in the bath. It helped relieve some of that pressure I had been experiencing and my feet felt a little better. But when it was time to go to bed that's when I really started feeling sick. Like body aches, that horrible pressure and tightening in my abdomen. Ugh.
I was trying desperately to remember exactly what labor pains felt like and what my doctor said I should look out for. Well I kept getting the pressure and the tightening in my abdomen was getting more and more intense. It was almost happening constantly. Well I finally woke Alex up and he held me while I almost started balling like a baby. It was almost 2 in the morning when I finally asked Alex to give me a blessing. After I received the comforting words I was able to fall asleep within a half hour.
    The next day I felt a big difference. I still wasn't feeling 100% but it'd take it over the night before. So I called my O.B.'s office and talked to a nurse to get advice and see what she thought what going on. She confirmed that it definitely sounded like contractions. She told me to try Tylenol, drinking lot's of water and staying off my feet. She also said that if I had more than 6 contractions in an hour to just go to labor and delivery.
    So the rest of the day I stayed off my feet as much as I could. Luckily Wyatt is such an easy going baby. I think he somehow understands when I'm not feeling good. And he know's that he needs to help mama as much as possible.
    Things were going okay but I started feeling the pressure down there again. I had to go to the store-and I was by myself- and the tightening in my abdomen was happening again. This time it was consistent with my walking. Crap. I wanted to hurry and get home but seriously? I had to sit. After things had calmed down I finally got back up and headed home. Now of course I didn't think to time my contractions but as soon as I got home and layed down the tightening started subsiding.
    Since then -a week now- I haven't experienced anymore contractions. No more tightening in my abdomen or anything. I still do get pressure down there but since I bought a belly band that has helped immensely.

   Alright!! Now back to the original post. Being a misfit. I read a blog post today (it's been going around on facebook) and realized that yeah I'm a misfit. A black sheep.
    I'm sure all of you know my story by now, getting pregnant out of wedlock, getting married then having a baby. A year later working towards the temple and reaching that goal of taking Wyatt to be sealed to us.
    Although no one said anything to my face I did feel like I was being silently judged. Being in Utah and not doing the norm. Being sexually active before I was married. You know what? Those who silently judge others can stick it. Why? I may have done things out of order but it worked for my husband and I. We don't owe anyone an explanation. Those actions made me grow up. Finally stop acting like a child and be an adult. A kid can't raise a kid. It's just not going to work.
   This past weekend Alex and I celebrated our second anniversary. It's been a tough two years but I wouldn't trade any of it. I love Alex more than life. I love Wyatt and Grayson. We have an amazing little family. I can't wait to see what The Lord has in store for us. I feel I have so much to offer. I want to share my story, my strength, my love and understanding to those who are going through the same or similar experience. I want to help people. I want them to know that they are loved and that just because they didn't do things in a 'proper' order doesn't mean that they have any less worth. They can overcome the struggles and trials.
   Simply, I want to inspire people. I want everyone to realize that we are all loved. It doesn't matter if we are the misfits or black sheep. We are just as equally amazing and loved as the rest of the world. :)

Let's Catch Up

I feel so dumb. I have been trying to blog for two weeks without success. All because I couldn't figure out why the icon to sign in wouldn't show up. Two weeks. I finally asked Alex and less than two minutes later.. wala! 

   Alright so right now I am 21 weeks 2 days. Finally past the halfway point. Finally! This pregnancy has not been great. It has just straight up sucked. I've heard a lot of women say that every pregnancy/labor is different. I don't know about the labor part yet but this second pregnancy has been a world of a difference. And not in a good way. 

   While I haven't struggled with morning sickness I've had night sickness. Which I feel is worse. Because it's a night and obviously I should be sleeping. But the nausea sets in, heartburn and the occasional cramps/tummy pain. I have not had a normal sleep schedule for well over a month now. I am seriously up ALL NIGHT long. No matter what I do I just can't fall asleep. And when I take a sleeping pill to help I end up feeling so guilty that I can't sleep. Good Lord please help me!

   So along with the night sickness there's the no sleep that goes on. Although the house get's cleaned in that time it's not worth it. So do any mamas have any advice or suggestions to help? I'm going through the nesting period WAY too soon. 

   During this pregnancy I've learned that I have a chemical imbalance and have been put on an antidepressant. Ummm what? Chemical imbalance? Me? That would explain why my sanity has been lost at times and the terrible feelings/thoughts that I get. 

   Whether or not you're pregnant depression is a serious thing. It is an illness and one that should be addressed more. If you ever have thoughts of suicide, hurting yourself or loved ones I encourage you to talk to someone. Let someone know immediately what is going on. It might just save a life. Having dealt with depression years ago I knew I couldn't afford to not get help. Having Wyatt and now Grayson I knew I needed to take care of myself.

   Sometimes I just have to put Wyatt in his crib and walk away. And that's okay. My sanity needs to come first in order for me to properly care for my children, my husband and myself. I do have to say I've noticed a difference with the medication. Alex has noticed a difference and I'm sure Wyatt has too. I still have my bad days but the good seem to outweigh them lately. 

   I'm grateful that I am able to get myself out of bed. For two weeks I stayed in bed. Didn't get out, didn't go anywhere, didn't take care of myself. Thank God for Alex. He cared for Wyatt -and myself- while I was 'out'. During that time I noticed a difference in my weight, skin color and overall being. I was clearly not well. 

   I can't say how grateful I am for my family, friends and ward family. The constant love was definitely felt. The other day one of the achievement day leaders (that's my calling in church, be jealous!) brought over some meals. Seriously? I just can't get over the love and generosity I felt. I am SO grateful for that act of kindness she showed me. It probably wasn't a big deal to her but to me it meant so much!

   

Blah. I'm running literally on two hours of sleep right now. I barely woke up in time to get my butt to church this morning! Like twenty minutes before it started. Ugh. I tried going to bed three hours ago but I just couldn't. Have you ever been so tired that you can't fall asleep? That's me. I went to bed at 8 Alex came in at 9 and yeah. Still awake. I layed there for an hour. Hadn't touched my phone or laptop. I just can't get my brain to shut off. :( HELP!! I NEED my sleep!

   This week is freaking March Madness. Literally. Instead of events being throughout the month the majority is happening this week. Every. Freaking. Day. 

   BUT! I am SOOO excited for Wednesday and this weekend. It is mine and Alex's two year anniversary!! WHOO! It has been a crazy/hellish/awesome two years. I can't believe I get to spend eternity with Alex. He's my very best friend. He's given my two of the greatest gifts ever. Wyatt and now Grayson. <3  Added point; the awesome thing about having kids early is that by the time we're done we're still young! 

I seriously said to a friend of mine that by the time I'm 25 I may have knocked out all the kids! When Wyatt is 20 I'll be 40. I can definitely live with that. And while going to school maybe (will be) harder for me it is definitely still possible. I can still go for my dreams while being a wife and mother. :) 

Alright, I've got a long week ahead of me. I've gotta TRY to get some sleep. Until next time friends!